Note to my Neighbor

Dear Man on the Next Street:

Please stop removing every tree and bit of brush on your property.

  • First of all, I can’t take one more weekend listening to your goddamn chainsaw all day.
  • Secondly, the trees and brush serve as insulation between your children and my disgust with their taste in music. Next summer, when your brats are in the pool, yelling and screaming, and blasting Christina Aguilera or some other music that has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, don’t be surprised if I fight back with my own stereo. It WILL be loud, and it WILL contain swear words. You will NOT like it.
  • Thirdly, the trees and brush are kind of nice. These plants and trees that you spend so much time fighting against actually provide oxygen for your children. You know, the oxygen they use to scream and yell? If you, and people like you, continue to clear every bit of wilderness from your property without bothering to replace it, then your children’s children aren’t going to have much oxygen left. Just sayin‘.
  • And lastly, I know that this fact might not have absorbed into your thick skull, but part of the charm of our area is the wilderness that surrounds us. Maybe you think a suburban paradise that looks like every other suburban area will be MORE charming. Trust me. It won’t.

That’s all I have to say about that. Oh, except: 3 years ’til moving day!