Inner Editor vs. Inner Word Count Monitor

Listening to: The Flobots, “Handlebars”

Come one, come all, to the battle of the century: The Inner Editor vs. the Inner Word Count Monitor DEATHMATCH, sponsored by Mountain Dew and NaNoWriMo! You’ll pay for the whole seat, but you’ll only need THE EDGE!

In this corner, the Inner Editor, a heavyweight prizefighter with wire-rimmed glasses and a red pen. (Crowd Roars) He’s feisty, he’s pedantic, he’s nitpicky–and he won’t shut up!

Aaaaand in this corner, making his first professional appearance, the Inner Word Count Monitor! He has control of your mouse, and he will make you hit the “Word Count” button every twenty seconds! And he’ll slap you with a trout for checking Twitter! (Crowd throws manuscript pages at the ring)

REF: All right boys, you know the rules. No hitting below the belt, no jabbing with pens, and no tripping. I’m looking at you, Word Count Monitor.

3…2…1 DIIIING!

ANNOUNCERS: Editor comes out of his corner, fists flying through the air, ready for action. Word Count Monitor hangs out in his corner, chewing gum and smirking. Editor does some fancy footwork, jabs, fakes an uppercut, then comes in fast, attempting a powerful hit to the gut with a hardback first edition of Elements of Style. Word Count Monitor blocks the blow with one finger.

And Word Count Monitor finally saunters from his corner.

What’s that he’s pulling from his shorts, Bob?

Well, Joe, I believe it’s a NaNoWriMo Word Count Spreadsheet. Look at that thing. It has a morale chart and everything. Oooh, and he smacks Editor across the face with it! Editor is DOWN! No one saw this coming, Bob. The crowd goes wild!

Word Count Monitor is throwing his hands in the air and dancing to the crowd’s cheers–I do believe this celebration is a bit premature. And there’s Editor, leaping off the mat and throwing himself at Word Count Monitor! Oooh, he’s punched Word Count Monitor in the back with a grammar website! That’s a low blow, wouldn’t you say, Bob?

Yes it is, Joe, but it’s no less than we’ve come to expect from Editor. Look at that squiggly red line across Word Count Monitor’s back. That was a good hit from Editor.

And Word Count Monitor turns with a powerful swing with a trackball mouse. Oh NO! He hit the “Word Count” button! Things aren’t looking good for Editor.

Editor is down, crying like a little girl. The ref is counting it…one, two, three!

WORD COUNT MONITOR WINS! WORD COUNT MONITOR WINS! He’s dancing around the ring, and look! He just jumped on Editor like a trampoline! Nobody expected this, Bob. Editor is a veteran of four novels, two crappy and two not-so-bad, and everyone thought he had what it takes to beat a newcomer like Word Count Monitor. But the scrappy underdog has come from behind for an unexpected victory.

Well, Joe, Editor was the clear favorite in this contest. I bet a lot of people lost money on this one.

They sure did, Bob. They sure did.

4 thoughts on “Inner Editor vs. Inner Word Count Monitor

  1. Kristophrenia,

    OMG! This was the very first thing I read this morning when I woke up. I am STILL laughing!

    It’s my first time here, do you always write with such wit?


    You managed to put together a post while NaNoWriMo-ing?


    Oh, I’ll be back.



  2. Tumblemoose,

    Thanks so much! I’m glad you liked it. I have to say, I’m pretty proud of this particular piece–it was a spur-of-the-moment spin on a topic I came up with the first day of NaNo. I’m definitely going to try for more like this.

  3. If I’ve learned one thing in life, it’s this: always bet on the underdog (“Speed of lightning, roar of thunder!”).

    Although, I am surprised at the proliferation of “unsanctioned foreign objects” used in this match. Who’s running this thing? The Nevada Gaming Commission?

  4. My brain is running it, Dan. My brain. And there are LOTS of “unsanctioned foreign objects” up there.

    I’ll leave you to puzzle that one out. =P

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